My Mother's Love

I have been thinking about this post for a while, and not sure how to put into words what my mother's love has done for me, my family, and anyone who considers her a friend.  Her love is generous and never runs out.  Her love is supportive, nurturing and gentle.

I was a thumb sucker from day one, and she always says I was the best baby.  My mom didn't push me to stop and would tell whom ever had an opinion about it, I would stop when I was ready.  My father would try to put the bitter nail polish on and I would endure the bitterness until eventually it wore away.  I understand where my father was coming from, probably thinking this child is going to need braces, which was the case.  I did eventually stop.... in fifth grade.  One of the beautiful things about my mother is she lets me be who I am.  When I wanted to change career paths and leave Iowa State after attending for only two weeks to pursue a nursing career, she said ok without hesitation.

One of the hardest things I ever had to tell her was I choose not to have children of my own.  I actually made sure her and I had a glass of wine before I had the conversation.  I didn't want to crush her dreams of being a grandma once again, one of her favorites things.  After I bravely got it out, she told me, "Miss I support your decision."  

My mother has loved me through some ugly moments, especially in my teenage years.  I remember wanting independence so badly from my parents when I was a teenager.  One time when I was probably sixteen I was going to the mall with my good friend, and really we were just going to the mall.  I didn't want to tell my mom where I was going because I didn't feel like I should have to.  Well my friend came over and my mom asked her where we were going, and needless to say I didn't make to to the mall that day.  I am sure I did not give that one up without a fight, but she loved me through all the fights I put up.

I love this picture of her. I found it a couple of years ago, her beauty and that smile takes my breath away.  My mother's love has taught me to be maternal in other areas of my life, as an aunt, sister, daughter, friend and especially a nurse.  Medicine can do some amazing things but doesn't compare to the love of a mother.  

I'm proud to say I am a product of her, and I thank God she is mine.  When it comes to mothers and daughters, we are the perfect fit.  

Letting Go

I have let go of a lot of baggage, and it wasn’t until recently I let him go.  When a relationship ends for me I have a hard time letting the fantasy of the relationship go while the reality of the relationship is screaming at me “Let GO!”  

Several months ago I found out truths about a man I was in a relationship with, and for months those truths picked at me.  I had a lot of questions, and I tried repeatedly to let those questions go and settle with no answers.  I questioned how he really felt about me, was what he said true or was I just another woman on his list?  I felt these questions weighing me down, and it was affecting me living my life.  I was curious, scared and heart broken.

Finally I mustarded up the courage and called him.  At first he was nice and acknowledged it took courage for me to contact him and he was going to give me this conversation.  I asked the burning question, did I matter?  He told me yes and I gave him hope.  Then I asked if I still mattered?  He replied very quickly “I’m not in love with you.”  A stab to the heart, that is not the question I asked.  When I pointed that out he got agitated and explained I needed to be specific with my questions.  Wounded I found myself asking for more hits, so I asked the question, do you miss me?  Again he quickly and directly replied, “No, no I do not.”  Then he told me he didn't want to have this conversation anymore.  I certainly didn’t want to force it, I only felt hurt and I told him I would let him go, it took a moment then I bravely hung up.  

I was so upset and hurt, I got home and walked my pups, probably the fastest, most intense walk they have ever been on, they want to smell everything and sometimes for 10 minutes, no sniffing around for them.  I was pissed and thinking after all I did for him, how could he treat me like that?  And if I truly mattered to him, how could he say such hurtful things?  

I’m not sure why when a relationship ends we want closure, and I realized this was my closure, this was my ticket to let it go. He was showing me who he was, and multiple times he has shown me who he was.  Remember I am a competitive person, part of my agenda to having a conversation with him was I wanted to win.  I was looking for the answers that he was hurting and struggling, instead the truth of him was screaming at me, painful but the cold hard truth.  In reality I don’t want him back, part of me was seeking to win and find it very ironic that me letting go is surrendering to the truth.

I have been holding on to a lot of guilt because of the decisions I have made and people I hurt.  Some of my intentions were not good when it came to my relationship with this man.  In a way I was punishing myself, I think back to times when I let him project his anger on me.  I was not the woman I wanted to be.  The recent conversation I had with him was what I needed, I was seeking an excuse to let it go, longing for it actually.  I came to the conclusion I need to stop punishing myself and I need to forgive myself so I can go live.  

My hope is this post enlightens anyone who’s holding on to things holding you back, forgive ourselves and be the woman we want to be.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

My Sister

Recently I watched the movie Sisters with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  I was surprised how the sisters personalities were similar to my sister, Jen, and me.  The older sister Kate (Tina Fey) was a hairstylist and had a spontaneous & adventurous personality , like Jen.  The younger sister Maura (Amy Poehler) was a nurse and had a cautious & composed personality, like me.  After watching the movie I thought about Jen and I's relationship.

Jen has been a strong female role model to me.  Growing up Jen was a tomboy playing with the boys and she couldn't understand why when playing shirts versus skins, our mother wouldn't let her take her shirt off.  She was a tumbler, I was always fearful I was going to hurt myself, no gymnastics for me.  Our father bought her a mat and she would spend hours working on her tumbling until she got it right, I have always admired how brave and daring she is.  In high school Jen was popular, she hung out with all crowds and nice to everyone, she was my cool big sister.  Jen has never met a stranger.

At least a decade ago Jen, myself and her boys were ice skating, I was so nervous I was going to fall, I was hugging the wall, probably white knuckling it.  Jen came up next to me and simply said, "what's the worse thing that could happen? You'll fall."  I thought how true, so I let go of the wall and fell like ten times but I had a blast.  Jen has taught me to relax, go with the flow and have fun.

Jen has taught me to not judge a book by it's cover, I judged her and was angry with her for a long time, and it wasn't until I made my own mistakes that I realized no one is perfect and good people can make bad decisions but that doesn't mean they are bad people.  Jen has fought some tough battles in her life and I admire her courage to rise above.

Jen is a great mom to her boys.  She's the fun and crazy mom, sometimes I catch them looking at her when she's not looking and you can see how much they love and admire her.  Jen has always been open and honest with them.  I believe she was meant to be a mother to boys, she got the energy to keep up with them.

I cannot thank God enough for her and she has modeled what it means to be a strong woman.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

"Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are." ~Marianne Williamson

Today is the first day of spring, and I can't help but feel good things are coming.  It's refreshing because lately I've been in a funk.  I'm ready to enjoy warm weather and the activities that come with it. While going through my funk I realized how important it is for me to do things that bring me joy, and I thought of a list of these things, so here they are in no particular order:

1.) Coffee!  I love the way it smells and truly get excited to drink it in the morning and have my afternoon pick me up.  I've found a nice balance in the morning and reduce to a tall non fat latte in the afternoon.  It warms my heart.

2.) Wine, it also warms my heart for different reasons.  Wine is there to give me a pat on the back at the end of the day saying "good try, tomorrow is a new day" or it's there to help me celebrate. :)

3.) Fashion, I love high heels, dresses and handbags.  I love the way I feel in them; I feel tall, feminine and powerful.  My mother tells me when I was a young child I would dress up and change my outfit three to five times a day, so thanks ma for letting me explore my own style.

4.) My home, my home is my sanctuary.  As much as I love to socialize I equally love being home.  I feel safe and myself.  I particularly love my bed, after a stressful and tough day, there is nothing better than to crawl into my comfortable and warm bed.

5.) Shopping with my mom brings me joy.  She gets me and my style.  While in Chicago I bought a DVF wrap dress and my mom was with me in the dressing room and I know deep down she was just as excited as I was when I try it on.  I love her for being with me and playing along with my crazy excitement.

6.) My Eberjey Kimono robe.  I bought it for myself this Valentine's Day.  It reminds me to love myself.  It's soft and feminine which warms my heart.

7.) Laura Mercier souffle body creme, for years my all time love was Almond Coconut, but this past weekend I discovered Tarte au Citron.  It's a citrus smell that reminds me of spring and summer.

8.)  Girls night with my nieces.  A few years ago my brother called me and asked if I would spend time with my niece Cate, she was going through some things as most young tweens do and wanted me to be a mentor to her.  I was overwhelmed with this honor and it turned into me taking Cate & Megan for a girls night where we can spend one on one time.  These two amaze me and appreciate their unique talents they offer the world.

9.) My pups, they get excited every time I come home.  Some days after a long and tough day it's refreshing.  They have been with me through some pretty tough things and always loved me through it.

10.) My loved ones (family and friends), they mean the world to me all for different reasons.  I won't be where I am today without them, they have loved me through the highs and lows.

Finding joy helps make the funks and tough days more tolerable.  My hope is you will make a list and on the difficult days do the things that bring you joy!

My life for the past couple of months have been a constant on the go.  I've done a lot of exciting things but really have not had a day to relax and rejuvenate.  Tuesday I was grumpy, I felt myself losing my patience.  I didn't get into town late Monday evening, had no food and my pups were still at the kennel, I couldn't pick them up until Tuesday.  I miss them terribly and had guilt that they were stuck at the kennel for another night.  Work has been busy lately so I was anticipating a busy day on Tuesday.  As I worked through Tuesday I couldn't shake off my grumpiness, I told one of my coworkers I needed a time out.  There was another coworker who picked up extra, walked into PICU with doughnuts in hand with a smile on her face.  I asked her, you brought doughnuts and you are working extra?  She replied, "yes, it's been busy and we need doughnuts when it's busy."  I thought dang she's working extra and she's got a generous attitude, I admired her for it, and wished my grumpiness would go away.  I ate a doughnut hoping it would rid of my bad attitude, nope it didn't work.  I look around and have such admiration for my coworkers, they are hard working, team players and so eager to learn in the mist of stress and heavy loads.  

I had a conversation with a locum physician, who by the way reminds of Dr. Napa, he wanted to talk to me for a few minutes.  I thought oh crap what did I do??? It turns out he just wanted my opinion and thoughts on things.  This conversation turned a different direction and he reminded me of something very important, we need to have different outlets so we can enjoy our professional lives.  I realized I lost my focus, I was so worried that I was going to have to do it all, and a lot of times I put that pressure on myself and it makes me grumpy.  It's funny how things work out, and like I've said I love how God works. This physician was giving great wisdom like Napa would do. I told him I was going to call him Napa #2.  

I love my profession, but I need to remember that I need to take time to do the things I enjoy.  A wise women once told me, "Melissa we can do a lot but we can't do it all."  I might need to plaster that on my office wall.  I work with amazing people, I love watching the PICU nurses grow and become strong nurses, at times when I observe them interacting with staff, patients, and their families it makes my heart swell.  

I will also take time to do things I enjoy so I can "keep calm and carry on," and I hope you will do the same.

Photo credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

   

"I'm so excited and I just can't hide it."~ Pointer Sisters

Last Saturday I was coaching my niece’s cheer squad, there was two games and during the second game a young girl about five or six years old walked into the gym, she knew my niece’s friend and got excited to see her.  My niece’s friend invited her over to cheer with them.  This little girl lit up and eagerly came over next to the cheerleaders.  My niece and her friend each gave her a pompom (which was tots adorbs and melted my heart), this little girl could not contain her excitement, she was jumping up and down, had a huge smile on her face, and looking at the cheerleaders with complete admiration.  The girls taught her cheers and she cheered, by looking at her you would have thought she was going to Disney Land, but it was a small act of an invitation to cheer with the older girls.  At one point she yelled to her mom across the gym, “Look mom, I’m a cheerleader!”  There was several people who couldn’t stop observing this little girl and joy was pouring from her.  Her excitement was magnetic to me.  I turned to my mom and asked, when’s the last time you got that excited?

So far in the year 2016 I’ve had few exciting things happen in my life, I’m currently on a plane to travel to the Yucatan peninsula in Mexico and I moved to a new loft with a better view and lots of windows.  When I found out both of these things I was pretty excited, I’m sure I had a big smile on face and made a statement of how excited I was, but didn’t jump for joy, do a dance or yell with delight.  I thought about why I would hold back on my emotion? This little girl didn’t hold back and I admired her for it.  My take on it is when we get older we hold back on several emotions, some need to be held back, but why the fun emotions?  

There are too many negative emotions so let’s not hold back on our joy, excitement or happiness.  So the next time I’m excited I’m going to be unbridle about it, jump up and down, do a dance and yell for joy!

Photo credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

Self Awareness

Recently I became aware of some ugly behaviors of mine.  I had a conversation with a dear friend who politely called me out on my crap.  I thought about what she told me and she was right.  What I love about this friend is she knows when and how to deliver a not so easy message to me.  Then I started thinking about some of my intentions and what I thought was good intentions really was not.  

I concluded some ugly truths about myself.  I realized I was competing with another woman.  This was a hard bite for me swallow and hard for me to write, but looking back and reflecting it hit me, I’m competitive.  Being competitive is not a bad trait, but I was being competitive in an unhealthy way and I’m not proud of it. 

A couple of months ago I had a really good conversation with my sister.  My sister is also someone who doesn’t let me get away with crap, and can be direct with me, you know like big sisters are.  In this conversation she told me I like challenges, and I thought she’s crazy I certainly do not like challenges.  Of course after I reflected, which by the way a couple of years ago I was a reactor most of the time, being in a leadership role has positively changed that now I'm a reflector most of the time, I still have my moments.  So thank goodness for my dear friend and sister!  I do like challenges and hence me being in a leadership role which is very fulfilling for me in that way.  Some of the challenges I was enduring over the last couple of years were again unhealthy.

Realizing these unhealthy behaviors is difficult for me, I wasn’t being the person or woman I wanted  to be to the world, but I can say now I am aware of it and can use these truths in healthy ways and better myself.  Isn’t that what life is all about growing and learning?  I’m a forever work in progress.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios