Don't go for the low lying fruit.

The past couple of months have been challenging for me.  In the midst of this challenge I easily forgot my focus.  Today when I was listening to my church sermon I was reminded, not long ago God asked me to step up to this honorable challenge.

This morning I streamed Lutheran Church of Hope online, I have been feeling under the weather.  Pastor Mike gave a great sermon on finding joy.  It was week four of four, I regret I missed the first three because I could really use the help finding joy in these past couple of months.   Lately I have heard things that aren't pleasant and left me hurt, and out of hurt comes anger.  I felt like I got swallowed into a hole and all I could focus on was the unpleasant things.  I was thinking this is it, I'm done.  All the while in my heart I could feel God telling me, "you are not done, there is more I want to do with you, you need more growth."  I was getting uncomfortable and only seeing the low lying fruit.  I wasn't looking up at the good fruit on top.  The thing is in order to get the good fruit you have to climb.  It may be hard, sweaty and exhausting but it's worth it.

It's not always easy, sometimes it's easier to focus on the low lying fruit and pick it, in the end it's not what you want.  What I mean by low lying fruit is take the easy way, quit and give up. Philippians 4:8-9 says "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me- everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."

Sometimes it's going back to the beginning, refocus on why I started this journey God called me to do.  I did it to make a positive change and be the best person I can be.  It's not always easy but it's worth the climb to the good fruit that is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable.

Photo Credit: Sparrow and Bean Studios

November 13th

Dress: Merona (I bought this dress several years ago at Target and it's one of my favs)

Booties: Anne Klein

Table for One

A couple of months ago I had the courage to do something I have always wanted to do..... I took myself on a date.  I got dressed up and went to dinner alone.  I wanted to try one of Des Moines new restaurants, one Saturday evening I was at home by myself and I decided I was going to take this brave step.  Some reading this may think people do this all the time, what's the big deal?  Well for me it's one thing alone I have not concurred.

Being single I have done many things by myself; living for one, rsvping for one, shopping for one, cooking for one, but I hadn't experience a table for one.  I was nervous, more nervous than going on a first date.  I am one of those weird people who like first dates.  I would rather go on a hundred first dates than go on a date by myself.  I put on my dress and wedges, walked down 4th Street with my head held high and walked into Vivian's.

I was greeted by the owner, I felt like I need to explain myself.  I told him table for one, I have been wanting to try out this restaurant so I thought I would do it alone.  He said something like "we are happy you decided to come here."  He sat me down at a booth, and took a deep breath.  My waitress came up and introduced herself.  I felt compelled to indulge her with my story, first time dinning alone, ordered a cabernet sauvignon, and soaked in my surroundings.

I took out my book, a friend recommended I bring a book to read,  and it was hard for me to relax.  I am a social person, so to be out in a restaurant by myself made me uneasy.  After I had a glass of wine I was able to relax, again taking some deep breaths, I was able to embrace the moment.  

The food and wine were delicious, the service was fabulous.  In some weird way I thought I was going to be judged, but I was judging myself.  Once I fully took in the accomplishment I was making the more at ease I became, it was a proud moment for me.  I encourage you to do something that makes you uncomfortable because where there is discomfort there is growth.

I went back a couple of weeks ago to Vivian's with my mother.  Again when we walked in we were greeted by the owner.  He said, "Welcome back, I'll seat the two of you in your booth."  I was flattered he remembered me, and flattered to think I have a booth at Vivian's.

No Less of a Woman

There have been several times when I have wanted to write this post, but then haven't because I am not sure how people will react to it.  Jennifer Aniston's blog post to the Huffington Post made me realize I am not alone and there are women and young ladies out there that feel the same way.

As a young girl I loved playing with Barbies and playing house with my friends and cousins. When we would play house, I was married and had children. I grew up thinking I was going to marry and have children.  I remember when I turned twenty five I had a panicked moment, I wasn't married and I didn't have children.  Fortunately that is the only time I have panicked.  I even had it as a non-negotiable in my past relationship, must want children.

Meanwhile in the back on my head I knew I did not want children.  It wasn't until a year ago when I had my coming out of the closet moment with my sister.  I was at her salon and we were on the subject, she finally directly asked me, "You don't want to have kids, do you?", with much relief my response was no.  It was finally out to the universe, I felt freedom admitting it.  Then she said, "I knew it!"  I'm not sure if my sister realizes what a big moment that was for me. She gave me permission to come out with it, I felt like I was carrying around this deep dark secret and people would not accept me if I did not want to have children, and most of all disappoint my parents.

I have had several people ask me "don't you want to get married and have children?" and even someone telling me, "you should just have artificial insemination, your parents will help you out, you would make a great mother."  Side note my parents probably lol'd after reading that.  Often times I get asked by my patient's parents, "do you have children?" and when I respond I do not, they are usually surprised.  Even though I do not have children of my own doesn't make me feel less of a woman, I still am maternal by being an aunt, caring for children and my pups.  Another side note, I am well aware my pups are not children, it's looked down upon when you kennel children up so you can socialize, get drunk in front of them, or use foul language and call them vulgar things when they pee and poop on the floor.  Needless to say I love and adore them deeply.

The reasons I have chosen not to have children are my own.  I am already feel complete, finding a gentleman to share my life with would complement it.  Jennifer Aniston said it beautifully, "We are complete with or without a mate, with or without a child. We get to decide for ourselves what is beautiful when it comes to our bodies."

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean

"Cognition needs limitation and emotion needs freedom."

A wise woman recently shared this quote with me, "cognition needs limitations and emotion needs freedom."  Over the last few months my profession has shown me multiple traumatic events, I have been a PICU nurse for about 8 years now which I have witness a lot of trauma and heart wrenching things.  It was brought to my attention that these traumatic things are similar to a battle field, the blood, the vomit, dirt and glass matted in a patient's hair, or even brain matter oozing from a bullet hole or incision, and the smell that goes with it.

For years I have been able to be a robot when trauma patients come rolling through the PICU doors, and do what I need to do for my patient, I see them in pieces not whole. Then there is a short moment when you stop doing things and look at the patient and realize it's a baby or toddler or teenager, they are human.  I remember when I first realized this is what I would do, there was a baby who was in a fatal car accident several years ago.  I was a robot when this patient first came into PICU, getting things done that needed to be done; assessing the patient, assisting physicians with lines, and so on. The neurosurgeon needed to place a bolt (measures intracranial pressure), they do this with a drill (sounds grotesque I know). As the neurosurgeon was drilling into this baby's skull, I lost my breath and started looking at her as a baby.  After that moment I hear my name being called several times and I shake it off and carry on.  There are times after a tough shift I get into my car and cry, sometimes bawl to the point where it's difficult to catch my breath, and other times it would hit me days later.

I have heard it is around seven or eight years when ICU/ER nurses experience burnout, and I have certainly witnessed it.  The unique thing about PICU is we see it all, we are not just cardiac or trauma, we are cardiac, trauma, respiratory, surgical, and attempted suicides or patients that have suicidal ideation.  I would have to say traumas are the hardest for me and have been through out my whole career, and I believe the reason they are hard is because one minute the child is healthy and in a moment they are not.

Burnout is a real thing and recently I identified it and currently working through it.  When I have witnessed it I didn't think it would happen to me.  I'm very fortunate to have the support from my unit and especially my boss.  I come from the era of nursing when senior nurses ate their young, it was a sink or swim culture.  The culture has changed, it takes a village not only to care for patients but also to care for each other; nurses, physicians, techs, dietitians, pharmacists, house keeping, respiratory therapist, pastoral care, occupational, physical and speech therapist, and child life.  This is our PICU village, and the village merges with other villages in the hospital.

I want this message to get out there so others know they are not alone, again burnout is real.  In the beginning of my PICU career I was able to shake it off.  After repeated exposure it starts to build, layer after layer until it gets too heavy.  It can be scary until you identify it, I was feeling irritated and forgetful, not like myself.  I am also very fortunate to have a good therapist that will help me through this.  I love PICU and I have many more years to give.  I want to be a nurse leader that will advocate for my fellow nurses and other health care professionals.

My Father's Love

My father is my hero, he is a protector, provider and a great adviser.  As a society we dilute the importance of a father's role, it's equally as important as the mother's role.  My father is a strong figure and role model in my life.  My father's love for me and my family has been constant and consistent.

My parents hadn't planned on having me, I was an oops.  As a child my sister told me I was a mistake, I was devastated and bawling.  I asked my father, was I a mistake?  He replied without hesitation, "Missy you were the best mistake we made."  My father is a honest man and always knew how to make you feel special.  He would work twelve plus hours a day, five days a week and also on Saturdays, but he would always come home and help us with our homework.  I never heard him complain about work, when he was home he was focused on his family.  He always told me, "the greatest thing a father can do for his children is love their mother," and he did just that.

My father was a boxer in his younger years and he also was a boxing coach.  He had a gym in our garage with a speed bag and a heavy bag.  I would watch in admiration when he would use the speed bag, it takes a lot of focus and rhythm.  I taught me to box, if you can imagine that, and I had the dream of being a female prized fighter, shocking I know.  So he taught me, he never told me that was silly or you too much of a girly girl.  I believe he was happy we had an interest together and he could teach me something.  That dream quickly faded once I learned I was a lover not a fighter.

In my twenties I had my heart broken by a boy, I don't remember all the details of that day but what I do remember is I walked my pups to my parents house then got angry about something.  My father was going to drive me home and being stubborn I stormed out and started walking home.  As I was stomping home, my father drove up beside me in his truck pleading with me to let him take me home.  After several minutes of him following me I got in his truck.  Almost immediately I started crying and eventually told how heart broken I was.  He told me he was sorry and just let me cry, he let me release my sadness and sat with me, always being constant.

Last Sunday my parents and I were having a discussion on the recent tragedies in Orlando, by the end of the conversation it boiled down to my father still wants to protect his family from the cruel world.  His children are grown and he still wants to cushion us from bad things.

My father's love has always let me be who I am, and he has encouraged me to be a strong woman.  I love this picture because it speaks volumes about him as a father.  He teaches, encourages, and again is always constant.

My Mother's Love

I have been thinking about this post for a while, and not sure how to put into words what my mother's love has done for me, my family, and anyone who considers her a friend.  Her love is generous and never runs out.  Her love is supportive, nurturing and gentle.

I was a thumb sucker from day one, and she always says I was the best baby.  My mom didn't push me to stop and would tell whom ever had an opinion about it, I would stop when I was ready.  My father would try to put the bitter nail polish on and I would endure the bitterness until eventually it wore away.  I understand where my father was coming from, probably thinking this child is going to need braces, which was the case.  I did eventually stop.... in fifth grade.  One of the beautiful things about my mother is she lets me be who I am.  When I wanted to change career paths and leave Iowa State after attending for only two weeks to pursue a nursing career, she said ok without hesitation.

One of the hardest things I ever had to tell her was I choose not to have children of my own.  I actually made sure her and I had a glass of wine before I had the conversation.  I didn't want to crush her dreams of being a grandma once again, one of her favorites things.  After I bravely got it out, she told me, "Miss I support your decision."  

My mother has loved me through some ugly moments, especially in my teenage years.  I remember wanting independence so badly from my parents when I was a teenager.  One time when I was probably sixteen I was going to the mall with my good friend, and really we were just going to the mall.  I didn't want to tell my mom where I was going because I didn't feel like I should have to.  Well my friend came over and my mom asked her where we were going, and needless to say I didn't make to to the mall that day.  I am sure I did not give that one up without a fight, but she loved me through all the fights I put up.

I love this picture of her. I found it a couple of years ago, her beauty and that smile takes my breath away.  My mother's love has taught me to be maternal in other areas of my life, as an aunt, sister, daughter, friend and especially a nurse.  Medicine can do some amazing things but doesn't compare to the love of a mother.  

I'm proud to say I am a product of her, and I thank God she is mine.  When it comes to mothers and daughters, we are the perfect fit.  

Letting Go

I have let go of a lot of baggage, and it wasn’t until recently I let him go.  When a relationship ends for me I have a hard time letting the fantasy of the relationship go while the reality of the relationship is screaming at me “Let GO!”  

Several months ago I found out truths about a man I was in a relationship with, and for months those truths picked at me.  I had a lot of questions, and I tried repeatedly to let those questions go and settle with no answers.  I questioned how he really felt about me, was what he said true or was I just another woman on his list?  I felt these questions weighing me down, and it was affecting me living my life.  I was curious, scared and heart broken.

Finally I mustarded up the courage and called him.  At first he was nice and acknowledged it took courage for me to contact him and he was going to give me this conversation.  I asked the burning question, did I matter?  He told me yes and I gave him hope.  Then I asked if I still mattered?  He replied very quickly “I’m not in love with you.”  A stab to the heart, that is not the question I asked.  When I pointed that out he got agitated and explained I needed to be specific with my questions.  Wounded I found myself asking for more hits, so I asked the question, do you miss me?  Again he quickly and directly replied, “No, no I do not.”  Then he told me he didn't want to have this conversation anymore.  I certainly didn’t want to force it, I only felt hurt and I told him I would let him go, it took a moment then I bravely hung up.  

I was so upset and hurt, I got home and walked my pups, probably the fastest, most intense walk they have ever been on, they want to smell everything and sometimes for 10 minutes, no sniffing around for them.  I was pissed and thinking after all I did for him, how could he treat me like that?  And if I truly mattered to him, how could he say such hurtful things?  

I’m not sure why when a relationship ends we want closure, and I realized this was my closure, this was my ticket to let it go. He was showing me who he was, and multiple times he has shown me who he was.  Remember I am a competitive person, part of my agenda to having a conversation with him was I wanted to win.  I was looking for the answers that he was hurting and struggling, instead the truth of him was screaming at me, painful but the cold hard truth.  In reality I don’t want him back, part of me was seeking to win and find it very ironic that me letting go is surrendering to the truth.

I have been holding on to a lot of guilt because of the decisions I have made and people I hurt.  Some of my intentions were not good when it came to my relationship with this man.  In a way I was punishing myself, I think back to times when I let him project his anger on me.  I was not the woman I wanted to be.  The recent conversation I had with him was what I needed, I was seeking an excuse to let it go, longing for it actually.  I came to the conclusion I need to stop punishing myself and I need to forgive myself so I can go live.  

My hope is this post enlightens anyone who’s holding on to things holding you back, forgive ourselves and be the woman we want to be.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

My Sister

Recently I watched the movie Sisters with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  I was surprised how the sisters personalities were similar to my sister, Jen, and me.  The older sister Kate (Tina Fey) was a hairstylist and had a spontaneous & adventurous personality , like Jen.  The younger sister Maura (Amy Poehler) was a nurse and had a cautious & composed personality, like me.  After watching the movie I thought about Jen and I's relationship.

Jen has been a strong female role model to me.  Growing up Jen was a tomboy playing with the boys and she couldn't understand why when playing shirts versus skins, our mother wouldn't let her take her shirt off.  She was a tumbler, I was always fearful I was going to hurt myself, no gymnastics for me.  Our father bought her a mat and she would spend hours working on her tumbling until she got it right, I have always admired how brave and daring she is.  In high school Jen was popular, she hung out with all crowds and nice to everyone, she was my cool big sister.  Jen has never met a stranger.

At least a decade ago Jen, myself and her boys were ice skating, I was so nervous I was going to fall, I was hugging the wall, probably white knuckling it.  Jen came up next to me and simply said, "what's the worse thing that could happen? You'll fall."  I thought how true, so I let go of the wall and fell like ten times but I had a blast.  Jen has taught me to relax, go with the flow and have fun.

Jen has taught me to not judge a book by it's cover, I judged her and was angry with her for a long time, and it wasn't until I made my own mistakes that I realized no one is perfect and good people can make bad decisions but that doesn't mean they are bad people.  Jen has fought some tough battles in her life and I admire her courage to rise above.

Jen is a great mom to her boys.  She's the fun and crazy mom, sometimes I catch them looking at her when she's not looking and you can see how much they love and admire her.  Jen has always been open and honest with them.  I believe she was meant to be a mother to boys, she got the energy to keep up with them.

I cannot thank God enough for her and she has modeled what it means to be a strong woman.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

"Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are." ~Marianne Williamson

Today is the first day of spring, and I can't help but feel good things are coming.  It's refreshing because lately I've been in a funk.  I'm ready to enjoy warm weather and the activities that come with it. While going through my funk I realized how important it is for me to do things that bring me joy, and I thought of a list of these things, so here they are in no particular order:

1.) Coffee!  I love the way it smells and truly get excited to drink it in the morning and have my afternoon pick me up.  I've found a nice balance in the morning and reduce to a tall non fat latte in the afternoon.  It warms my heart.

2.) Wine, it also warms my heart for different reasons.  Wine is there to give me a pat on the back at the end of the day saying "good try, tomorrow is a new day" or it's there to help me celebrate. :)

3.) Fashion, I love high heels, dresses and handbags.  I love the way I feel in them; I feel tall, feminine and powerful.  My mother tells me when I was a young child I would dress up and change my outfit three to five times a day, so thanks ma for letting me explore my own style.

4.) My home, my home is my sanctuary.  As much as I love to socialize I equally love being home.  I feel safe and myself.  I particularly love my bed, after a stressful and tough day, there is nothing better than to crawl into my comfortable and warm bed.

5.) Shopping with my mom brings me joy.  She gets me and my style.  While in Chicago I bought a DVF wrap dress and my mom was with me in the dressing room and I know deep down she was just as excited as I was when I try it on.  I love her for being with me and playing along with my crazy excitement.

6.) My Eberjey Kimono robe.  I bought it for myself this Valentine's Day.  It reminds me to love myself.  It's soft and feminine which warms my heart.

7.) Laura Mercier souffle body creme, for years my all time love was Almond Coconut, but this past weekend I discovered Tarte au Citron.  It's a citrus smell that reminds me of spring and summer.

8.)  Girls night with my nieces.  A few years ago my brother called me and asked if I would spend time with my niece Cate, she was going through some things as most young tweens do and wanted me to be a mentor to her.  I was overwhelmed with this honor and it turned into me taking Cate & Megan for a girls night where we can spend one on one time.  These two amaze me and appreciate their unique talents they offer the world.

9.) My pups, they get excited every time I come home.  Some days after a long and tough day it's refreshing.  They have been with me through some pretty tough things and always loved me through it.

10.) My loved ones (family and friends), they mean the world to me all for different reasons.  I won't be where I am today without them, they have loved me through the highs and lows.

Finding joy helps make the funks and tough days more tolerable.  My hope is you will make a list and on the difficult days do the things that bring you joy!

My life for the past couple of months have been a constant on the go.  I've done a lot of exciting things but really have not had a day to relax and rejuvenate.  Tuesday I was grumpy, I felt myself losing my patience.  I didn't get into town late Monday evening, had no food and my pups were still at the kennel, I couldn't pick them up until Tuesday.  I miss them terribly and had guilt that they were stuck at the kennel for another night.  Work has been busy lately so I was anticipating a busy day on Tuesday.  As I worked through Tuesday I couldn't shake off my grumpiness, I told one of my coworkers I needed a time out.  There was another coworker who picked up extra, walked into PICU with doughnuts in hand with a smile on her face.  I asked her, you brought doughnuts and you are working extra?  She replied, "yes, it's been busy and we need doughnuts when it's busy."  I thought dang she's working extra and she's got a generous attitude, I admired her for it, and wished my grumpiness would go away.  I ate a doughnut hoping it would rid of my bad attitude, nope it didn't work.  I look around and have such admiration for my coworkers, they are hard working, team players and so eager to learn in the mist of stress and heavy loads.  

I had a conversation with a locum physician, who by the way reminds of Dr. Napa, he wanted to talk to me for a few minutes.  I thought oh crap what did I do??? It turns out he just wanted my opinion and thoughts on things.  This conversation turned a different direction and he reminded me of something very important, we need to have different outlets so we can enjoy our professional lives.  I realized I lost my focus, I was so worried that I was going to have to do it all, and a lot of times I put that pressure on myself and it makes me grumpy.  It's funny how things work out, and like I've said I love how God works. This physician was giving great wisdom like Napa would do. I told him I was going to call him Napa #2.  

I love my profession, but I need to remember that I need to take time to do the things I enjoy.  A wise women once told me, "Melissa we can do a lot but we can't do it all."  I might need to plaster that on my office wall.  I work with amazing people, I love watching the PICU nurses grow and become strong nurses, at times when I observe them interacting with staff, patients, and their families it makes my heart swell.  

I will also take time to do things I enjoy so I can "keep calm and carry on," and I hope you will do the same.

Photo credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

   

"I'm so excited and I just can't hide it."~ Pointer Sisters

Last Saturday I was coaching my niece’s cheer squad, there was two games and during the second game a young girl about five or six years old walked into the gym, she knew my niece’s friend and got excited to see her.  My niece’s friend invited her over to cheer with them.  This little girl lit up and eagerly came over next to the cheerleaders.  My niece and her friend each gave her a pompom (which was tots adorbs and melted my heart), this little girl could not contain her excitement, she was jumping up and down, had a huge smile on her face, and looking at the cheerleaders with complete admiration.  The girls taught her cheers and she cheered, by looking at her you would have thought she was going to Disney Land, but it was a small act of an invitation to cheer with the older girls.  At one point she yelled to her mom across the gym, “Look mom, I’m a cheerleader!”  There was several people who couldn’t stop observing this little girl and joy was pouring from her.  Her excitement was magnetic to me.  I turned to my mom and asked, when’s the last time you got that excited?

So far in the year 2016 I’ve had few exciting things happen in my life, I’m currently on a plane to travel to the Yucatan peninsula in Mexico and I moved to a new loft with a better view and lots of windows.  When I found out both of these things I was pretty excited, I’m sure I had a big smile on face and made a statement of how excited I was, but didn’t jump for joy, do a dance or yell with delight.  I thought about why I would hold back on my emotion? This little girl didn’t hold back and I admired her for it.  My take on it is when we get older we hold back on several emotions, some need to be held back, but why the fun emotions?  

There are too many negative emotions so let’s not hold back on our joy, excitement or happiness.  So the next time I’m excited I’m going to be unbridle about it, jump up and down, do a dance and yell for joy!

Photo credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

Self Awareness

Recently I became aware of some ugly behaviors of mine.  I had a conversation with a dear friend who politely called me out on my crap.  I thought about what she told me and she was right.  What I love about this friend is she knows when and how to deliver a not so easy message to me.  Then I started thinking about some of my intentions and what I thought was good intentions really was not.  

I concluded some ugly truths about myself.  I realized I was competing with another woman.  This was a hard bite for me swallow and hard for me to write, but looking back and reflecting it hit me, I’m competitive.  Being competitive is not a bad trait, but I was being competitive in an unhealthy way and I’m not proud of it. 

A couple of months ago I had a really good conversation with my sister.  My sister is also someone who doesn’t let me get away with crap, and can be direct with me, you know like big sisters are.  In this conversation she told me I like challenges, and I thought she’s crazy I certainly do not like challenges.  Of course after I reflected, which by the way a couple of years ago I was a reactor most of the time, being in a leadership role has positively changed that now I'm a reflector most of the time, I still have my moments.  So thank goodness for my dear friend and sister!  I do like challenges and hence me being in a leadership role which is very fulfilling for me in that way.  Some of the challenges I was enduring over the last couple of years were again unhealthy.

Realizing these unhealthy behaviors is difficult for me, I wasn’t being the person or woman I wanted  to be to the world, but I can say now I am aware of it and can use these truths in healthy ways and better myself.  Isn’t that what life is all about growing and learning?  I’m a forever work in progress.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

God's Voice

God’s Voice

There are three times I could hear God talk to me.  Today at church the pastor was talking about the importance of prayer and having an intimate relationship with God.  The pastor hit home with me when he said it’s a conversation, just like with a friend or a loved one.  It doesn’t have to be perfect, He knows all of your imperfections and still wants to pursue a relationship with you. I know this and I needed to be reminded of it.  The pastor said it's about praying and listening. As the pastor prayed at the end of service, I started thinking about when I have heard God clearly speak to me, and felt the strong urge to share my stories.  

The first time was when I longed to find a church that would deepen my relationship with God.  I would drive out to Jordan Creek and drive past Lutheran Church of Hope.  I was always curious and one day I drove by and heard “come visit.”  My sister had just gotten back from Hazelden and also was longing for a deeper spiritual relationship.  I asked her to come with me, she said yes, and we both fell in love with the message Pastor Mike delivered.  There are times I am better at my relationship with God, it depends on my fears or poor choices, I get lost in He would love me less because sometimes I’m not a good person.  Lutheran Church of Hope reminds me He loves all of me and my imperfections, and by amazing grace I am saved.

The third time was two years ago my work place was in some turmoil, and my unit was in need of a manger/educator.  l was in a meeting and thought who would be crazy enough to step up and take that position on, and as I was sitting there God said, “Melissa it’s time, you need to step up.”  I wanted to help make my unit better, and thought okay God I will take on this challenge. I interviewed and at the time shared the position with two amazing women.  There have been times when I have wanted to throw my hands in the air and yell I quit.  I have wanted to take the easy route and step down, but every time I try to do just that He manages to bring me back into focus and gives me the patience and energy to keep going.  I could go deeper into that story but I will save it for another blog post.

The second time, yes I purposely went out of order, is one I have not shared with a lot of people.  I believe only two or three people have heard it.  The reason I feel compelled to share it now is because it was an important moment for me and if I’m blogging about God’s voice than I cannot dismiss it. I’m protective of this story and the man who shares it with me.  I was in a relationship with a man that didn’t start on a solid foundation.  We fell for each other quickly and it was intense.  One night we were standing in my kitchen, and it was at a point where he knew he was moving too quickly and wanted to slow down.  In my heart I knew it was the right thing to do but I didn’t want to loose him so I had a moment of panic in my head and thought, oh God what should I do? That’s when He said, “just love him.”  As simple as that, “just love him,” I love how God is direct and to the point.  Although the relationship ended and I know it was never meant to work out, I am confident in the love I gave this man, and I still love him from a distance.  I love him and myself enough to let him go.  There are times when I get angry and/or sad about certain things, but there are many lessons I learned from that relationship and from him.  He always listen to my voice and I always felt I could be myself with him. I think and pray for him often, that he knows he is worthy of being loved.  So at the times when I want to be angry, I think about Martin Luther King Jr’s famous quote, “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” And more importantly I think of God’s voice saying, “just love him.”

These are three stories of when I can say I heard God, I'm sure there are other times He has tried to talk to me, but I didn't hear it.  I continue to work on my relationship with God and listening to Him too.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

Being Single

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.  And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” ~Carrie Bradshaw 

Often I get asked “Why are you still single?”  Well, that is a very simple question and I would like to give a simple answer but it’s really a complex one.  Can I take an hour of your time? Ha, just kidding!

Recently I went to dinner with my thirteen year old niece Cate and I told her my story that after graduating from high school I went to Iowa State University for two weeks.  I thought I wanted to be an educator and quickly changed my mind and decided to go into nursing.  She asked me “Where do you think you would be if you stayed at Iowa State?”  Then she said, ‘you wouldn’t be downtown.”  I thought about it, I would probably be married, have children and live in the ‘burbs.  I panicked a little, and became sad, not because that is what I want but because I love my life.  If I had chosen to go to Iowa State I wouldn’t have my two pups, traveled to places like Mexico and Ecuador, and I wouldn’t have seen the amazing and most miraculous things that I have in my nursing career.  I wouldn’t be writing this blog, and what I fear the most I would have settled.

Days after our dinner I continued to think about Cate and I’s conversation.  I enjoy being single and I am patient enough to wait for the right relationship to come along.  This day in age online dating is the thing, I’ve tried it and it’s not for me.  Don’t get me wrong there are many couples who have met online and have successful relationships. I’m an old fashion kind of gal, I want to meet a gentleman in real life, be pursued and treated like a lady. I’m a hopeless romantic and love old fashion classic romance movies, “Houseboat” with Sophia Loren, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” with Audrey Hepburn.  I want to find a gentleman to compliment my life.

I am going to hold out for what I want and I promised myself I will not settle.  In my past that what I have done, and I was not being true to myself.  I have learned a lot about what I do want and about myself from my past relationships. Another promise I made myself for 2016 is to have the courage to venture out alone.  Tonight I plan to go to an event all by myself, I hope to meet some cool new people.

So the next time you ask a single friend, family member or acquaintance “Why are you single?” just keep in mind they may be okay with it and holding out for what they want.  I guess that is a simple answer to the question. 

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

"We don't have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to." ~Brene Brown

I have thought about starting a blog for a while and here I am thinking about how I wanted to introduce it to the world.  I think about where I am at in my life and the people who surround me, the things I have experienced, and all of those things are what brought me to wanting to start this thing.  Really it’s a public journal I hope will help other women to know they are not alone.  There are all types of women out there with all different types of lifestyles, goals, dreams and fashion.  

At first, I wanted to start a fashion blog but there is more I can offer to the world then fashion tips, though fashion is a huge passion of mine.  Through all my experience and the lessons and what the women who surround me have taught me, I hope to reach all types of women.  

I want my message to say to all women that our experiences, choices and voices matter.  There are many people in my life that have guided and helped me get to this place of being a confident and strong female.  I don’t always do life in a perfect way but I am proud of where I am at today.

So this blog is about life, the highs and lows, the successes and failures, because that is what is all about.  I have a love for myself, my pups, and my family and friends.  I have a passion for being a nurse, fashionista, aunt, daughter, sister, and friend.

I want to be about love, give love and receive love to ourselves and others.  So here’s to all women and love, cheers!!

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios