Letting Go

I have let go of a lot of baggage, and it wasn’t until recently I let him go.  When a relationship ends for me I have a hard time letting the fantasy of the relationship go while the reality of the relationship is screaming at me “Let GO!”  

Several months ago I found out truths about a man I was in a relationship with, and for months those truths picked at me.  I had a lot of questions, and I tried repeatedly to let those questions go and settle with no answers.  I questioned how he really felt about me, was what he said true or was I just another woman on his list?  I felt these questions weighing me down, and it was affecting me living my life.  I was curious, scared and heart broken.

Finally I mustarded up the courage and called him.  At first he was nice and acknowledged it took courage for me to contact him and he was going to give me this conversation.  I asked the burning question, did I matter?  He told me yes and I gave him hope.  Then I asked if I still mattered?  He replied very quickly “I’m not in love with you.”  A stab to the heart, that is not the question I asked.  When I pointed that out he got agitated and explained I needed to be specific with my questions.  Wounded I found myself asking for more hits, so I asked the question, do you miss me?  Again he quickly and directly replied, “No, no I do not.”  Then he told me he didn't want to have this conversation anymore.  I certainly didn’t want to force it, I only felt hurt and I told him I would let him go, it took a moment then I bravely hung up.  

I was so upset and hurt, I got home and walked my pups, probably the fastest, most intense walk they have ever been on, they want to smell everything and sometimes for 10 minutes, no sniffing around for them.  I was pissed and thinking after all I did for him, how could he treat me like that?  And if I truly mattered to him, how could he say such hurtful things?  

I’m not sure why when a relationship ends we want closure, and I realized this was my closure, this was my ticket to let it go. He was showing me who he was, and multiple times he has shown me who he was.  Remember I am a competitive person, part of my agenda to having a conversation with him was I wanted to win.  I was looking for the answers that he was hurting and struggling, instead the truth of him was screaming at me, painful but the cold hard truth.  In reality I don’t want him back, part of me was seeking to win and find it very ironic that me letting go is surrendering to the truth.

I have been holding on to a lot of guilt because of the decisions I have made and people I hurt.  Some of my intentions were not good when it came to my relationship with this man.  In a way I was punishing myself, I think back to times when I let him project his anger on me.  I was not the woman I wanted to be.  The recent conversation I had with him was what I needed, I was seeking an excuse to let it go, longing for it actually.  I came to the conclusion I need to stop punishing myself and I need to forgive myself so I can go live.  

My hope is this post enlightens anyone who’s holding on to things holding you back, forgive ourselves and be the woman we want to be.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

My Sister

Recently I watched the movie Sisters with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.  I was surprised how the sisters personalities were similar to my sister, Jen, and me.  The older sister Kate (Tina Fey) was a hairstylist and had a spontaneous & adventurous personality , like Jen.  The younger sister Maura (Amy Poehler) was a nurse and had a cautious & composed personality, like me.  After watching the movie I thought about Jen and I's relationship.

Jen has been a strong female role model to me.  Growing up Jen was a tomboy playing with the boys and she couldn't understand why when playing shirts versus skins, our mother wouldn't let her take her shirt off.  She was a tumbler, I was always fearful I was going to hurt myself, no gymnastics for me.  Our father bought her a mat and she would spend hours working on her tumbling until she got it right, I have always admired how brave and daring she is.  In high school Jen was popular, she hung out with all crowds and nice to everyone, she was my cool big sister.  Jen has never met a stranger.

At least a decade ago Jen, myself and her boys were ice skating, I was so nervous I was going to fall, I was hugging the wall, probably white knuckling it.  Jen came up next to me and simply said, "what's the worse thing that could happen? You'll fall."  I thought how true, so I let go of the wall and fell like ten times but I had a blast.  Jen has taught me to relax, go with the flow and have fun.

Jen has taught me to not judge a book by it's cover, I judged her and was angry with her for a long time, and it wasn't until I made my own mistakes that I realized no one is perfect and good people can make bad decisions but that doesn't mean they are bad people.  Jen has fought some tough battles in her life and I admire her courage to rise above.

Jen is a great mom to her boys.  She's the fun and crazy mom, sometimes I catch them looking at her when she's not looking and you can see how much they love and admire her.  Jen has always been open and honest with them.  I believe she was meant to be a mother to boys, she got the energy to keep up with them.

I cannot thank God enough for her and she has modeled what it means to be a strong woman.

Photo Credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios