My body

I have been wanting to blog on this subject for several months but wasn't sure where to start.  This evening I went to the doctors because I haven't been feeling well, and I had to do the inevitable step on the scale.  I wanted for a split second to refuse, can't they use my weight from my last visit??  Can I strip naked and pee first??  I did it and much to my astonishment the number was larger than I have seen in a long time.

In high school I wanted to be thin with big breasts, I thought that is what I was suppose to look like.  I didn't gain confidence about my body until my twenties.  I learned how to dress my body type.  I was able to accentuate my assets; my curvy waist, thick thighs, ample derrière, and (dare I say) small perky breasts. I learned it's not the size that matters but instead pay attention to how it feels.

Over four years ago the combination of a break up, eating healthy and pilates, I was the smallest I have ever been.  I keep comparing my body to what it was four years ago and it's been frustrating me because I am not where I once was.  I have preached we need to love our bodies for where we are, no negative self talk.  I cringe when I hear people refer to themselves as fat.  To me the word fat is more of a curse word than the F*** word.  It breaks my heart when I hear people talk negatively about themselves.

Lately I have not been so kind to myself and because I want the body I had four years ago.  I eat healthy most of the time, I walk my pups daily and recently discovered Pure Barre which I love and my body amazes me every time I take a class.  So why I am being so hard on myself?  Why am I not practicing what I preach?  So what if my clothes don't fit the same, I better go shopping. We all know I love to shop.

I chose this picture because when I first saw it I thought my stomach isn't flat.  I am bravely showing it to social media.  This is the real me and I chose to love her.  My hope is we all our kind and love ourselves where ever we may be emotionally, physically and mentally. Love, love, love!

Photo credit: Sparrow and Bean

"The Cure"

Before the Superbowl half time performance I respected Lady Gaga for her outrageous style, her stance against bullying, and she called her fans little monsters.  People were speculating if she would make a political statement, but she didn't.  She handled herself with grace and class, I became a little monster if you will. 

Lady Gaga makes a strong female presents in today's pop culture.  I few months ago the song "The Cure" became popular on radio.  When I first heard it without really listening to it, I thought it was a great song, had a great beat and I love when she belts out "I will be right by your side!" but once I realized what the song was about I became gravely disappointed.  

The chorus goes:

If I can't find the cure, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
No matter what you know, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
And if you say you're okay
I'm gonna heal you anyway
Promise I'll always be there
Promise I'll be the cure (be the cure)

I was driving with my nieces and "The Cure" came on the radio.  Of course I had to have the conversation, we can't fix people with love.  We can love people, but if they don't want to be fixed we can't cure them.  Sometimes I wonder if they listen to me, so any time we hear "The Cure," they get the speech all over again.  When we were in Hawaii, there was a gecko with a broken tail, one of my nephews was trying to catch it, and I mentioned we will take him in and love it.  Cate quickly replied, "Missy you said we can't fix anyone."  Well.... they do listen and it's close enough for me!  

Recently I had a gentleman I was crushing on over, we had a great conversation about life.  Without going into detail, he told me he saw some rough stuff growing up and as a result doesn't show sadness.  The Melissa five years ago would have been, hot dang I can "cure" him and love the hurt right out of him.  Instead I saw red flags, sirens even and while I tried to pretend I didn't see it, he was very handsome and smart, I couldn't do it.  When he left, as disappointed as I was, I knew we were not a fit. 

There are a lot of young ladies and women listening to this song.  It took heartache to know I can't cure anyone.  In the midst of trying to fix men of past relationships I would lose myself and what I stood for.  They weren't asking me to fix them, I saw the tangled webs as a challenge, my love is different and it would cure them.  It was a hard lesson to learn.  

I can't always physically be there with my nieces when they make choices, but my hope is they listen to my experience.  As life is, they will fall and it will break my heart, I want them to know I will be there to listen and not cure.

Photo Credit: Sparrow and Bean Studios

The Graduate

I have been in awe of Bailey from the moment he came into this world.  I was there to witness his birth and it was the most amazing thing I have seen.  So amazing to me, as a nurse I couldn't become a labor and delivery nurse because I didn't want to lose the sense of amazement.  He also gave me the role of aunt, one of my favorite roles.  Bailey has taught me a love I did not know until he came into my life.

With many others, Bailey is going to graduate this weekend.  I cannot believe the little nugget I use to hold and snuggle is now a grown man.  I use to record lectures in nursing school, one day I recorded him saying "hello," one of his first words. I would listen to it over and over again, it was the sweetest sound.  

One day when Bailey was about four years old, I came to his house and he was walking across the wooden beam of his swing set with such skill and balance. My sister, sitting calmly, reassured me, "Miss he does it all the time."  Bailey at a young age has always been fearless.  He doesn't stop until he masters the task, he is persistent.  He has mastered the task of tumbling, wrestling, skate boarding, snow boarding, dirt biking, jet skiing, water skiing, and climbing to name a few.  All of which has made the PICU nurse in me very fearful, but also amazes me at the same time.

A few years ago Cobey, his brother, was riding his dirt bike at their home in the country.  Cobey fell off and lost consciousness, no one could see it because he was behind a barn.  Bailey knew something was wrong and went out to look for him and found him laying on the ground.  He got his father and called 911.  When the ambulance came he directed them where they needed to go.  Bailey is a natural leader and saved his brother.  In the ER he did not leave Cobey's side, he protected and watched over him.

Many people know Bailey's physical strength, but what people don't see is his emotional strength.  He has seen and dealt with heartbreaking situations, and his character has shown strength and resilience.
My wish for Bailey is he sees himself as my family and myself see him.  While grown ups want to protect children from the harshness of life, I know he will see it and feel it, but his character will pull him through.
I love him more than he will ever know.  Congratulations buddy, go forth and continue to amaze the world!

Photo credit: Sparrow & Bean Studios

Change is inevitable

This is my last week as a PICU nurse/manager, I have recently accepted a new position at Mercy.  I am having all sorts of emotions.  While I am excited for change, I'm also fearful and sad to leave what has been a big part of my identity for the last 15 years, a pediatric bedside nurse.  Something I love deeply and am very passionate about.

I will miss the people I worked with, the patients and their families.  Over the years patients have shown me amazing strength and resiliency.  Their families have also shown me strength but more importantly a powerful love, the things I have seen parents do for the love of their child is phenomenal.   I have seen more miracles than I can count and heartbreak. The miracles kept me going but I cannot deny the repeated exposure to heartbreak makes it hard.  The heartbreak is one reason I embrace this change.

Us pediatric nurses invest a lot emotional and physical energy into our patients and their families, they become our family.  One mother told me a few years ago, after being discharged home after several months in the PICU, she felt lonely when she got home. While it was a celebration to finally be able to take her child home, she thought of us as family and missed us.

This is a bitter sweet feeling for me, being a pediatric bedside nurse has shaped me into being a better person and I am grateful for the experience.  I will take that experience, love and passion, and get our story out there.  One of the many things I am looking forward to is I am trading in my scrubs for amazing outfits.

Photo Credit: Sparrow and Bean Studios

Don't go for the low lying fruit.

The past couple of months have been challenging for me.  In the midst of this challenge I easily forgot my focus.  Today when I was listening to my church sermon I was reminded, not long ago God asked me to step up to this honorable challenge.

This morning I streamed Lutheran Church of Hope online, I have been feeling under the weather.  Pastor Mike gave a great sermon on finding joy.  It was week four of four, I regret I missed the first three because I could really use the help finding joy in these past couple of months.   Lately I have heard things that aren't pleasant and left me hurt, and out of hurt comes anger.  I felt like I got swallowed into a hole and all I could focus on was the unpleasant things.  I was thinking this is it, I'm done.  All the while in my heart I could feel God telling me, "you are not done, there is more I want to do with you, you need more growth."  I was getting uncomfortable and only seeing the low lying fruit.  I wasn't looking up at the good fruit on top.  The thing is in order to get the good fruit you have to climb.  It may be hard, sweaty and exhausting but it's worth it.

It's not always easy, sometimes it's easier to focus on the low lying fruit and pick it, in the end it's not what you want.  What I mean by low lying fruit is take the easy way, quit and give up. Philippians 4:8-9 says "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me- everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you."

Sometimes it's going back to the beginning, refocus on why I started this journey God called me to do.  I did it to make a positive change and be the best person I can be.  It's not always easy but it's worth the climb to the good fruit that is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable.

Photo Credit: Sparrow and Bean Studios

November 13th

Dress: Merona (I bought this dress several years ago at Target and it's one of my favs)

Booties: Anne Klein

Table for One

A couple of months ago I had the courage to do something I have always wanted to do..... I took myself on a date.  I got dressed up and went to dinner alone.  I wanted to try one of Des Moines new restaurants, one Saturday evening I was at home by myself and I decided I was going to take this brave step.  Some reading this may think people do this all the time, what's the big deal?  Well for me it's one thing alone I have not concurred.

Being single I have done many things by myself; living for one, rsvping for one, shopping for one, cooking for one, but I hadn't experience a table for one.  I was nervous, more nervous than going on a first date.  I am one of those weird people who like first dates.  I would rather go on a hundred first dates than go on a date by myself.  I put on my dress and wedges, walked down 4th Street with my head held high and walked into Vivian's.

I was greeted by the owner, I felt like I need to explain myself.  I told him table for one, I have been wanting to try out this restaurant so I thought I would do it alone.  He said something like "we are happy you decided to come here."  He sat me down at a booth, and took a deep breath.  My waitress came up and introduced herself.  I felt compelled to indulge her with my story, first time dinning alone, ordered a cabernet sauvignon, and soaked in my surroundings.

I took out my book, a friend recommended I bring a book to read,  and it was hard for me to relax.  I am a social person, so to be out in a restaurant by myself made me uneasy.  After I had a glass of wine I was able to relax, again taking some deep breaths, I was able to embrace the moment.  

The food and wine were delicious, the service was fabulous.  In some weird way I thought I was going to be judged, but I was judging myself.  Once I fully took in the accomplishment I was making the more at ease I became, it was a proud moment for me.  I encourage you to do something that makes you uncomfortable because where there is discomfort there is growth.

I went back a couple of weeks ago to Vivian's with my mother.  Again when we walked in we were greeted by the owner.  He said, "Welcome back, I'll seat the two of you in your booth."  I was flattered he remembered me, and flattered to think I have a booth at Vivian's.